so Brent and I ordered you a drink then realized you don't live here. I drank it.
I wouldn't call it sex. It's like when you put a plug in a socket half way. It's not all the way in but it still turns on the light.
watching a depressing episode of spongebob while high is the most depressing thing i have ever experienced
That girl you went home with last night was dressed in a bright blue sweats at the bar. 205lb Smurffete FTL. Boy were you in epic form.
Just dominated the men's bathroom at work. Sounded like the intro of a death metal song.
In case you were wondering, my scare crow is wearing your outfit from last night.
Oh. And what's the twitter protocol for following the guy you blew behind a shed?
whoever brushed my teeth and whitened them while i was passed out, thanks.
I told your dad we had a nice lunch and hung out for awhile. It seemed more appropriate than "I had a bite of his canned chili and then we ripped each others clothes off."
I tore the muscle in my left calf at the gym and still spent all evening in heels. UNSTOPPABLE!
So I'm dropping a fat deuce at work, and the lock on the stall door slips and the door slides open, when suddenly someone comes in. Now I have two options, I can either get up quickly and try to shut the door quickly (not easy to do with one hand) or I can just sit there and play it off like it's no big deal and I always dump at work with the door open. I chose option two, and it was as awkward as it sounds.
Ps we ordered a pizza at the pool today and I dropped the entire thing in the pool. We still ate it. #canthang
I'm a 23 year old adult who just ordered condoms online from Target because I'm still too embarrassed to buy them in the store.
Hi please disregard the last text and if you'd like our entire interaction
Done
Are you okay? You're not sitting at home on facebook. I'm worried about you.
Randomize
