These people need to leave so I can have rum and Doritos at work like every other American.
Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
she just punched a dude and called him a peasant for not drinking fast enough in flip cup.
My cab driver just texted me 'goodnight beautiful'. I think my 'desperate for a guy phase' has just moved into a fuck my life phase.
it was like a congratulatory penis slap
Breaking up as roommates was a poor life decision. I'm sorry. Thank you for never shitting on the floor.
I told him he was probably the first guy to get fucked while wearing Star Wars pyjamas.
I just explained it as we hate everyone in the world more then we hate each other. Thus making us friends. Plus we drink...a lot
I think drinking is the foundation of our friendship
I'm dealing with this like an adult, cupcakes and beer.
IF I CAN STICK YOUR DICK IN MY MOUTH, I CAN STICK MY GUM ON YOUR NIGHTSTAND.
You are a lesbian wizard with red hair. You are willow
I wish I knew the extent of my injuries before I climbed over the fence. Might have avoided the need to purchase a cupholder for my wheelchair.
I JUST BROKE A NAIL MASTURBATING. WTF I could even enjoy my orgasm bc now I'm gonna have to spend $50 on my nails.
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
If you needed to get laid tonight all you had to do was ask
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