2 bagels in my tummy and my herpes on my mind
Henry's handball, Tiger Wood's Car Crash, Roger Federer losing ... That's it....I'm throwing my Gillete away
I just keep sniffing it hoping for an explanation.
Seriously, dude... You knows its bad when you gag on her nipple.
After she asked if she could try to fit her toe ring around it, i decided to leave. Thats the life i live
You know my ex in high school who cheated on me and dumped me right before prom? A decade later, I just saw her again...working at an Arby's. it was a good day...
you should probably know that there's a naked dude in your window
i wouldn't normally say anything but you seem to not be there
finding an unopened condom on the ground can really change your outlook on the night
I was just like oh sorry I'm peeling meanwhile my legs are on either side of his head and I look like a fucking Komodo dragon
First table when you walk in. Can't miss us. I'm wearing a feather boa and a green hat
You had me at first table
he cock-blocks himself, don't try to make excuses for him!
She took a six hour road trip with me so I could have revenge sex with my ex's brother. That is the definition of a best friend.
Successfully put eye drops in while driving with my glasses on. Stoner level: expert
Spent tonight painting strippers in camo.
I think I met my butt stuff soulmate
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