If penises could fly, my ass would totally be an airport.
why would she cut her hair? she needs all the distractions possible from those texas-sized gums and horse teeth.
my dad just referred to me and my boobs as 'the three of you'
That drug basically just makes anything that's in your mouth awesome
Ok. In one sink is a hairdrier. Still plugged in. The other is filled with broken glass. What do I do?!
Nvm. Bloody hand trumps dead. Also, where is gauze.
In hindsight, buying 4 different kinds of vibrators at once may have been a little overenthusiastic of me.
We followed the campus tour around in a golf cart drinking PBR and blasting "Sexual Healing."
Wish i knew who the f is sending me pics of asian newborns.
Im organizing a group to help fondle my shoe. Too many shots dude. Too many.
I would fuck him In a heartbeat, an obese child running up stairs with an irregular heartbeat, heartbeat.
New rule. No seeing movies about plane crashes after killer bong rips
I found you in the bathroom. You were sitting cross-legged on the floor wearing nothing but socks completely surrounded by broken crayons.
Can I come take down that wallpaper yet? I stopped seeing that dude and I need to occupy my time with something besides getting drunk at bingo night and cussing out old people. Also, i'm not sure on the legal stipulations but I might have, unintentionally, committed grand theft auto at some point.
I love you but I don't want to see you naked.
Can't talk, ducks in the car
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