his facebook status quotes britney spears so there is always that
I hope whoever gets these locks of love doesn't have a drug test anytime soon
You hit on the cop telling him you were celebrating the anniversary of your 21st birthday and ur boob job... That's how he got ur #
ah tequila...
Selling Girl Scout Cookies outside bars for higher than retail value has got to be the most profitable idea. Ever.
Remind me again why sleeping with a coworker and his wife would be a terrible idea.
Just fucked in a kitchen. I never want my penis that close to knives, stoves, or blenders ever again.
A man that refers to my vagina in third person is a man after my own heart.
You were walking away to pee and as you were undoing your belt you looked at me and said "the belt is off. the game is on. Remever that."
My inner pteradactyl is also confused.
Being a slave to ur dick is exhausting.
"We drove to the deserted part of the parking lot, and that's where we blew each other. It was so romantic."
I just had a random tinder dude give me a ride home from school because my car is dead. Tinder rules! It's like Uber, but with boys who want to impress you.
and then after the older sorority girl asked me his name she said "he gave me the rest of his mcdonalds and I decided to go home with him. it was the best that I could hope for my night"
I just washed down my antidepressant with some pineapple wine. I'm the picture of mental health this holiday season
Psssh like you wouldn't lick BBQ sauce off my nipples.
Randomize
