Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
While drunk it seemed like a good idea to barricade my roommate in his room with everything that we could move in our apartment, waking up to him screaming from it collapsing on top of him was just an added bonus.
his penis is PERFECT
I want to put it in a shoebox and place cottonbls around it to protect it from any harm
or knit it little hat
I wore my front clasp bra so he would have to prove his sobriety to me before we had sex.
I was preparing to do my walk of shame shirtless, but then I found my sweater, wallet and keys neatly piled under a tree in the park.
My mom just called me to tell me that i dont have chlamydia. Awkward.
You kept running up to married couples, taking their pictures and begging for them not to get divorced
So really what you're asking for is an allowance to not have sex on our futon.
The problem with having sex on the couch is that your blanket ends up in the laundry and you're left cold on the couch the next day.
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
I just fell and sprained my ankle in the shower. No, I wasn't having sex. I was doing the time warp. Again.
he asked if he should bring the trash can into the room.. apparently i shoved my finger all over his face and said.. shhhh dont talk... just take your pants off.
Nothing is more confusing than dreaming about being chased by jets, then waking up with an erection.
It baffles me why I still wear white underwear...
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