is it bad that i kinda- ok, reallyyy don't remember having sex with him last night?
why is it impossible to run with a back pack without looking like a giant d-bag?
haha... you gave me a great visual of you in high white socks running with a backpack with eye of the tiger playing in the background
that only happened once.
Crashed the mayor's bday party, no list for some reason. Wore suits. Ludacris was there.
You're just jealous because you lost me and I ended up at another party licking Marshmallow Fluff bikinis off of lesbians.
I will not be a drunk bitch. I will not be a drunk bitch. Chanting this until it's second nature.
Drinking in moderation can be fun. Drinking in moderation can be fun. Chanting this until it becomes true.
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
i swear to god if you did anything to my honey bunches ill remove all the oats and shove them up your dickhole then play pinata with my foot to knock them all back out
Sorry for cyberstalking your dad.
I got home at 1 am on a weeknight with lube in my hair. I'd say it was a successful first date.
My brother is so high right now he's eating frozen peas and called them "fucking delightful"
Some guy just walked past the bus stop in a lab coat and with a samurai sword and case...
I'm good. But Nutella doesn't taste as good as it used to.
I’m on my third beer doing poppers in the shower to no doubt
She threw her burger out the car window last night. My vegan neighbors were not pleased but I’m pretty sure I saw a for sale sign go up on their lawn so I owe her one.
I stared at his dick and then told him to get on his knees
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