I swear it's like I have a jerk off quota I have to meet each week. If I miss three days I have a wet dream and it's like a wasted jizz, and it gets everywhereeeeeee.
I woke up to his little sister feeling me up. I guess it's time to meet the family.
The last thing I remember is funneling tequila out of a pink noodle.
Fourth time I had to be woken up in the line of Whataburger in two weeks. First time my shirt was free of vomit.
When u wake up, don't be alarmed by the passed out mariachi band, they're cool. Muchos gracias
Dude, she got on top of me, grumbled in a low voice "I'm going to make you remember me", and then farted.
I'm using toast as a chaser. If I wasn't already so fucked up this would be revolting.
Fell twice in five points. on my face. literally during a cross walk. The cars just went around me. 21st birthday memories right there
Only three months past my 21st and I'm done. So many life lessons in so little time.
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
I see your boobs were ready to greet the new year.
Sensing a theme here
If alcoholism is a theme, yes.
I just saw a cat, if i ate those mushrooms 15 minutes earlier i wouldn't have made it to the bar
Let's just say if my bucket list had "fngered in the middle of a club by a complete stranger while being sprayed by UV paint" then that is well and truly ticked off.
Definitely didn't just make out with a guy the same height as me just because we wanted to see what it would be like to not have to reach up....
Randomize
