Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
Drunk and had dance off with 8 year old. Lost. Still drinking
I've only been here for an hour and I've already made 6 babies cry.
Happy Birthday
I want to spend time with you, and by time, I mean real time. Not your dick in my mouth time.
eating kraft dinner with my face. no forks.
The Fresno prostitute seemed offended all I wanted from her was directions back to the freeway.
we are both sitting on my bed desperately refreshing the order tracking page for dominos.
They only knew me as the lesbian that passed out in a bathtub. That's not what you call friendship.
It tastes like you we're too lazy to shower and instead just sprayed yourself with Febreeze.
You have a very discerning palate.
But you can't tell me I give the best blow jobs and then not break up with your girlfriend who has fucking TMJ! Come on!
Mom just walked in with a bag of weed and funyuns. I'll talk to you later.
The man who almost made us Eskimo sisters is getting married. Of course I'll be your date. We need to toast the end of his sex life!
Self care is breaking into nasa and launching yourself directly into the fucking void
so how was it...?
sadly not as impressive as one might expect from a division one athlete. he lacked the stamina i had hoped for, and by lacked i do mean he fell asleep while he was still inside me. an epic wtf moment, i know.
Wow first he impregnates you then he won't send you the sex tape you made together? Where has chivalry gone?
Randomize
