my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
it's like i warped into dreamland and the only thing that makes sense is my solo cup
We're cuddling on the couch that me and his brother had sex on...this feels wrong
Hey, you guys have all had chicken pox, right?
booty call hours are between 1:30-3:00 AM thurs-sat with the exception of major drinking holidays and election days. please try again
going to a night class in lingerie so i can quickly go to his house after.
Cops do not care. One just laughed and said "precious"
My hickies are dark enough that I can feel drivers judging me from across an intersection
There was a reason God said "Let there be titties" on the Fifth Day.
Would "deck the halls with penises " be an appropriate event title? I know peni is the plural but flow of the tongue as well
So you're on like a list there now..."Do not under any circumstances give this person a knife. Serve them in plastic cups ONLY"
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
I think the only option is to smoke so much weed I just pass out for 3 days.
Drunk in my hotel room, eating taco bell, and crying at Nicki Minaj's life story.
This is why I keep you in my life.
Yeah apparently i called the bartender a "fucking prison warden" after she took my keys and called me a cab
Randomize
