I want the hot one, scratch that. anyone.
Dude I'm so glad we're not friends anymore. It would have made fucking your stepmom last night really awkward. Dickwad.
I think I should have my paycheck direct deposited to the bar
dude, she masturbates with a ken doll.
Agreed. Everyone should experience a blackout before 3pm in their lifetime.
Just sucked my third dick in the past twelve hours. I must want AIDS.
They high fived over us while we gave them synchronized blowjobs. In the same bed. Under the same blanket.
I'll be there in 10. I need you naked and ready. Warm up.
Cover your phone. Photos of streaking frat guys incoming.
DID YOU DO SOMETHING WITH THE DEAD ROACH IN THE KITCHEN? OR DID IT LAZARUS?
I don't know, I think having hemorrhoids shows character. You have to be trying pretty hard to get them.
They should make eskimo sister bracelets. OMG WE NEED BRACELETS WITH IGLOOS ON THEM.
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
I think the God that I only kind of believe in, definitely hates me.
So I got offered a job this morning based on being a "good role model for girls" and I am drunk at 330 in the afternoon in "celebration." sometimes, life is insane. But not so bad.
Randomize
