Her tattoo has the intellectual profundity of snakes on a plane except you can't laugh.
So we stole all of the newspapers out of the stands within a 1 mile radius and filled up her car with crumpled newspaper.
Who leaves their car unlocked at night?
Someone who wants to read the newspaper.
what made you think it was a good idea to trust the girl that hides tequila in her backpack?
You must have had one hell of a time explaining to that girl why aladin soundtrack was playing on repeat in your room when you got back
i just recognized the girl sitting across from me from a lesbian porno... should i ask for an autograph?
just hooked up with an air force officer in a hotel room paid for by the military. i feel like i should go around thanking taxpayers for the assist.
Trust me. My penis has made more than enough decisions this weekend.
The bartender was shocked when I took the mop bucket from him and told him I'd take care of my friends puke.
I vaguely remember hanging my bra off the ceiling fan and chugging a beer during sex
College has turned you into quite the multi tasker huh?
Let me get this straight, you're telling me to lower my standards? Even though last week you told me I don't have any..?
I just lifted up my shirt to scratch my stomach n a Dorito flew out of my pullover n it legit scared me when it hit me.
The guy who said he's gonna suck your butthole till your face caves in is at Maggie's
I gave myself a charlie horse masturbating this morning. I feel like that really set the tone for the day.
I'm pretty sure that cute cop drove me home. Especially since I found his card in my purse.
I had just gotten to his place and was about to get some dick. No way was I gonna let her negative attitude affect my orgasm feng shui
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