Remeber, hes got nothing better to offer you than drunk words and hairy balls.
It's my fault I'm alone. My closest relationship is with my blackberry....thank god it vibrates.
She was raised with a wonderful home life. I can't do anything with that.
Listen, it's not like I meant to bust the window out. It just sort of happened. And I'm also sorry for stealing your dads bandanas.
I figure a girl that drinks as much as I do should always have pregnancy tests on hand
You put your name in his phone but not your number then screamed "Open the door!" and jumped out of the car
Like I've never seen her that drunk. She's usually like quiet and doesn't say she'll fuck someone on a futon
I'm going to stop at grocery on the way home. I'm CRAVING wine from a sippy cup. We have neither wine nor sippy cups.
We made out and he didn't grope me. I liked it. I felt like I was innocent again.
I'm still, like... really stoked about not having any STDs
I've covered myself in body paint in the likeness of R2D2 and I still didn't get laid. Please explain.
yeah it's a weird friendship. we pretend that we're automatic besties but i know we both know i slept with her boyfriend
I was walking out of the bar when he said I'll see you later and I said I'll see you in my dreams and then fell face first and broke my nose
Responsible things to do when you're too hungover to get out of bed: Breast self exam.
Idk, apparently drinking five Four Loko's and trying to fight a mailbox constitutes disorderly conduct.
Randomize