im probably the most hungover person watchin icarly right now
he just ordered a side of pineapple and winked at me. too much for a first date. come get me.
I had some like war flashbacks of giving someone a handjob and i was trying to figure out who it was.
He said I went to go sit outside and is promised I wouldn't leave he brings me a chair and I'm gone. He found me stumbling a half mile away in my socks
NEVER LET ME DO THIS AGAIN I FEEL LIKE I'M GONNA SHIT MYSELF TO DEATH ARGHHHHHGHHG IS THIS WHAT DYSENTERY FEELS LIKE
Just woke up next to a girl with 30 hot dogs in my bed. Vodka you win again.
I GOT JUDGED BY A GUY WORKING AT THE LEAST CLASSY STRIP CLUB. Peeing isn't a right, it's a privilege.
He went out to smoke and when he came back I was still in the same spot naked and unable to breathe.
All I could say was, "ladies and gentlemen, THIS is why I drive 30 mins"
I just realized that every possible way I walk to campus I walk by the house of someone I slept with
I'm content with our "friends with accidental benefits" situation.
I don't know what you're doing this morning, but obtaining Plan B is my number-one priority.
Now it's a thing. He's kind of a creeper and now he's lotioning me. This is going to turn into a Buffalo Bull situation.
The creeper at the bar just realized we have the same birthday and bought me four beers already. He walked off so I took his change and dashed, i'm bringing the case over now.
And then I woke you by humping you to Lionel Ritchie.
Being single again makes you realize how guys can go from licking your asshole one night to never texting you again
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