is it odd that your cat looks tougher than you?
I think I found my soulmate. This guy in front of me is yelling about getting laid while holding two beers and texting. I think this is love.
We just stood on the porch wondering how you managed to puke up a whole piece of bologna
i mean, we fucked on the futon in the garage where his band practices. pretty sure im now obligated to like his band on facebook.
Unintentionally made him cum in his own mouth, and he just sat there screaming..
Annabeth just got on the bar and slurred something about how she was worried that when she started dating you your penis wouldnt fit. You are one lucky bastard my friend.
You know it's nice having a girlfriend who will lotion your balls for you
Last time we talked he was trying to sext me but he was including pictures of fruit
These fuzzy pants work great for sleeping, taking an exam, getting baked and watching the hobbit. I guess i'm not changing pants for 72 hours.
Explain the King Dong next to my face.
I'm sitting alone in a bar pretending to watch football because I don't know where the liquor store is around here and I'll be god damned I'm going to be sober on my day off.
Make sure you wash your hands. That seagull you threw was very sick.
By the way I can not feel my vagina. It's like it's asleep. What the hell did you do?
Remind me to tell you about how I hit a tree with my car last night.
I'll be glad to.
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
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