Let's start a violent farting gang. We can do walkbys.
Ways to know you did something wrong: you sugar-coated it for your therapist.
Woke up in 100% not my clothes this morning. Third time this month. Fuck. Tequila.
i wish i could google "things to eat in my fridge" so i wouldnt have to go downstairs and be disappointed
Is it standard protocol to defriend someone after they give you chlamydia?
She looked at me and said there is a 90% chance I am going to puke in the next 10 minutes. 10 minutes later she is in jack in the box throwing up. She has amazing timing.
i am pretty sure she ate my hamster last night. i am thinking this because she left me a note that says she ate my hamster and my hamster is no longer in its hamster cage.
It wasn't really sex. It was just rolling around, trying to make sure his dick didn't end up in my ass.
i should probably stop thinking with my vagina, and start using that $70, 000 education i can't afford. what the fuck.
I was just laying in bed wondering if there's more important things in life than cheese stuffed pretzels.
I just hit myself in the face while taking off my shirt. I could never be a stripper.
Whelp, I woke up on the front lawn this morning. I have got to stop wearing these underwear. Every time I do, I end up puking in someone's greenery.
I FLASHED A GUY AT MCDONALDS FOR A FREE BREAKFAST BURRITO. IT WORKED!
How did the surgery go?
My face feels like a marshmallow.
You spent the entire night trying to catch pigeons and hugged a homeless guy and then gave him a pregnancy test.
Randomize
