I'm sad I can't be there is wknd, I'm laying on the beach and daydreaming of you / crying a bit
I'm watching a porn and daydreaming of you. Sounds like we both need Kleenex
As my groomsman, I expect you to learn the Thriller dance with me before next September.
i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
My vagina is in bus station locker number 1465.You can go talk to it if u like -in the mean time I’m going 2show up drunk and embarrass u at work.
This guy legit just tried to LSAT formal logic his way into my pants. Contrapositives and everything.
rolled over to window for cup of snow instead of leaving bed for water. that's how hungover
Its not personal, its just business. I'm the Donald Trump of blowjobs.
Hope your thanksgiving is a complete blowjob festival.
dude, i warned you that using a card to pay for my hotel room was a bad idea. You deserve the extra $600 in cleaning fees
Let me be the 15% helpful, 85% useless as shit angel on your shoulder.
I just wrote a love letter to my weed and texted it to my cousin. I can't say it any differently. It happened.
i tried to propose to him with my nipple ring but i couldnt figure out how to take it out
He's not drinking on his 21st. Shooting vodka infused Nerf bullets at him would just make a mess and I don't want to be a creep and spike anything... I don't understand awkward boys
Between the deep breathing and nipple piercings , I thought I was in the twilight zone
Just trying to show you I care.
Isn't it supposed to be "what would you like for dinner?" instead of "how do you take your blow?"
Hey, you're the one who asked me to mc to move in.
Randomize
