Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
alcohol turns me into mario batali of easy mac
just wondering who decided to put a cup of throw up in my fridge
She just referred to her vagina as "this bitch".
One is full of apple juice. One is full of tequila. This is real russian roulette my friend.
Just met another girl you fucked but this time in seattle. Your cock gets almost as much mileage as jet blue. Anaheim and seattle both say hi, figured you don't remember their names.
Im deleting that text because its a possible ncaa violation
I pulled some girls weeve trying to pull the stop cord on the bus
I was just crying my tits off and he was just sitting there listening. I was an open book of embarrassing life stories.
Wine is not your friend.
Hate you missed the after party, I was covered in dish soap gliding bare assed down a slip n slide at 6:30 this morning
god, I have more takeout restaurants in my contacts than friends
My new successful method of booty calling is sending a screencap of a map with the shortest route from their location to mine highlighted.
I told him I tried to eat a stranger's sandwich while I was drunk. Mildly disappointed but he realizes he has me for a kid.
I was apparently the best non-Irish person at the party. I wore my skating dress, Austrian flag and a giant shamrock. Everyone is calling me "30 Shots Girl".
Kinda hard to look your partner in the face the day after a rousing game of How Many Ways Can I Capture Your Penis.
Randomize
