wtf he couldnt undo my bra, i asked him if it was his first time and he said "with a girl? yeah"
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
I know its been a few months but you must know you hve the 2nd biggest dick I've ever seen. 1st place went to a rapper so don't feel bad.
I can do it, this is my punishment and I will accept it, plus id like to see the look on peoples faces when I throw up on them
I woke up in your car in the McDonalds parking lot. What the hell happened to 'no man left behind'?
I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.
Oh damn. God have mercy on everything w a dick in a ten mile radius.
A surprise thumb up the ass and I'm wide awake. She was right, no need for caffine pills I could fight ninjas now.
drunk grocery shopping was not as bad of an idea as i thought, this salmon cat food tastes a lot like tuna
I believe I can fly has to be one of the most inspirational songs of our time. Seriously R. Kelly nailed it
Then he went and peed on those teenagers.
If I hid at school to avoid the cops, is it fleeing and evading or just being a good student?
That which doesn't kill you gives you an excuse to get shitfaced later
Tim is a child that you physically can't love because he makes it hard for you to even find anything redeeming about him so you debate leaving him forever at the gas station.
So you were shitfaced and stole a fucking kayak?
They tricked me into going into that room by saying we'd smoke a bowl and then they all proceeded to have an intervention with me about my love life.
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