there's a sign at taco bell and it says "bacon and ranch make everything better." it speaks to me.
Sorry i'm not sorry i made out with your dad. It was father's day weekend, get a grip
You unbuttoned your shirt and started walking down the center of the road screaming traffic stops for Enrique Iglesias.
the only consolation to the fact that i puked in public today was that i did it down a storm drain... so at least i am a responsible public puker
OMGGG I JUST SAW A REAL OWL JUST CHILLING ON TOP OF A SIGN POST. I WALKED UP TO HIM AND SAID HOO HOOOOO AND HE TURNED HIS HEAD AT ME AND WAS LIKE YEAHHH BRO
Best feeling in the world is getting a random boob pic from a drunk chick at 3 am.
My one night stand from last night is currently mowing my lawn for me.
Last night I had a sex dream about Trudeau, he hasn't even been prime minister for 24 hours
If I die, sorry about rent.
All she said to me before going to get another shot was "Damn, I'd eat her out."
I bet I give better head than any other PTA mom.
Do I have to cook for the potluck? Can I just bring a costco size bottle of Vodka?
So apparently I’m into choking now
Did u find my other sock in your bra? U said u were uneven so I did the gentlemanly thing.
The hump and dump is a beautiful thing
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