when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
ever seen your mom drunk enough to lick your face? i have
The glockenspiel player has some booze though so hopefully the ride won't be that bad
Remember middle school health class where we used to say that when we lost our vcards we would be on the pill, using a condom, and have had our partners tested first? We were so optimistic.
whatever. i almost had sex in a car with someone passed out in the back seat. phone's not my biggest worry.
The grocery store is a combo of ghetto ppl complaining that the low fat chips are all that's left and hipsters trying to eat organic during the hurricane
K, so let's go ahead and say that mcnugget and margarita Tuesday was a bad idea
Bon Iver should never be played when you just ate shrooms.
My chest smells like french fries. Get at me attractive men.
I think sneezing out coked up boogers onto your professor disqualifies you from the "I was sick" excuse
He showed up at my front door with Plan B and a rose...
"Accidentally" bump into him after class.
I'm gonna "accidentally" put his dick in my mouth.
I'm slacking. We've been hooking up for months and I have yet to bang him while he's wearing the clown mask.
I just wiped cum off my face with baby wipes... #momlife
Nothing like being naked and confused and clutching a scented candle...at least I woke up in my own bed though.
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