i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
She's in the bathroom crying cuz she can't get the condom out of her giner. Do you have tongs?
So, during a 20 minute shower I spent 19 minutes spinning in circles and 1 minute licking the wall, and it was better than sex. I can't wait to do X again.
Her gay brother kept hitting on me and cockblocking me. Don't even begin to tell me how bad your night was.
I wonder if you can snort coke upside down
I feel like jumping into a breast pit right now. Like the old school ball pits at mcdonalds.
Now if u will excuse me I have to go prep my vagina for this amazing sex filled weekend I'm about to encounter
I'm going on a new diet. It's called the "eat healthy otherwise boys won't want to have sex with your fat ass" diet. Wish me luck.
Bake him heart shaped cookies?!? Send him a picture of your tits like an ADULT!
I spent the last 6 months operating under the assumption that I HADNT fucked a paramedic. I was wrong.
I can't take my grandparents out somewhere where I've fucked half the staff.
I'm literally spending $165 to fly to Arizona to have a sex road trip coming back
Ran up to the dollar store to get batteries for my vibrator. Happy Valentines Day!
Question: have you ever spent your Tuesday evening helping your one-night-stand create a resume? Because I have...
I had perfectly good intentions but my penis had other ideas and now I need a place to crash what do you say
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