Dear tim. Christina farted and it smells like kid roses.
forecast for tonight is alcohol, low standards and poor decisions.
as evidence of my kitchen this morning my night involved alot of mustard and condoms
I jsut got pulled over and passed the sobritaty test.
Good thing spelling doesn't count.
I don't know what's more sad having a rewards account at a liquor store or already racking up 273 dollar points since january
I gave you head at the stadium on a Thursday night ESPN game. That damn well better be worth points on the score board!!!
I apparently started to text you last night. All it said was 'the whole clam'. I hope that means something to you.
In less than 24 hrs I went from conversing with Nobel Laureate, to hangover vomiting in front of a drive thru cashier
Is it too early to start pregaming for St. Patty's?
Literally this kid just told me he's not planning to live past 30. Then he hit himself with a frying pan.
I'm the only person who goes to break up a friends with benefits and comes out with a boyfriend
I was "singing along to the Lego Movie" high. Everything was not awesome
Welp. It's confirmed. There is literally no lube on this entire island. Fuck me. More accurately, don't fuck me.
Oh yeah I meant to tell you the Tomb Raider looking girl so crop dusted me on the stairway
scotch tastings during the week is a baaad idea. i woke up w no pants but wearing my winter coat
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