Practice the "sorry I may have given you herpes" conversation with me before I call him and break the news
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
You swear the intervention is for her? I've fallen for that one twice.
yea, their son has been arrested on more than one occassion, their daughter is pregnant and their other daughter graduated but she was adopted, so clearly genes are everything.
I mean it's my life so what if i want to drink Molson from my sparkly shoes and not regret anything
The landlord called, GOOD NEWS! Noise violation #2! Something about people singing and fighting with vodka bottles in the parking lot. Well done us.
I almost tried texting you with my pipe. Holy fuck this is good shit.
Is it unethical to trim my bush hair with the scissors from my office?
Is it too early in the day to be getting dressed for the strip club?
It was one of those mornings when I wake up and feel like I have to say sorry to the whole world
I just watched a porn called gay of thrones and I think I've reached a new low in my life
Pooled our money and rented a bouncy castle for the day. Get over here now. Bring vodka.
I never thought I'd end up with a prison pen pal through tinder
Became friends with a girl at work today until I realized we have the same taste in men. And I thought only I liked red-bearded fat men
No way man ... This is real life. Complete sentences and everything.
Randomize
