Tell me exactly where it said it wasn't a unisex bathroom.
Just so you know, each of my boobs fits perfectly in a martini glass.
how the FUCK am I supposed to macarena while doubble fisting?
Wait, how is it that I'm just getting ready to go out and you're already showing your penis to freshmen girls?
the theme of the baby shower is Nightmare On Prego Street
Need a travel agent to tell me which countries in Asia have legalized prostitution for New Year. Fireworks would be cool too.
She's an ex-convict. She actually got stabbed in the face with a pen while in prison. No big deal.
The fact that both my ribs are severely bruised from shoving flasks in my bra might be a validation of my mothers alcoholic accusation
Aww. I feel like I need to kill a puppy just to make room in the world for how cute you are right now
After a certain point, you just want to make it work. Prove to yourself that you're smarter than the vibrator.
We hooked up. It felt slightly wrong considering he is my foreign exchange student but there's a reason America imports. Foreigners got the goods.
I keep jumping up and down in front of the mirror naked. The only motivation I would be to stop and put clothes on is if you come over. Hurry.
I'LL COME GET YOU. GOTTA FIND A SUIT THAT COVERS TIT BRUISES FIRST.
Afterwards he face timed like four of his friends screaming he banged the hot intern.
Dude mama brought home the bacon, i got his HBO account i guess that makes up for his by par skills in bed.
Randomize
