My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
i'm chasing tequila w mint flavored ice cream, phil's chasing it w cream cheese, bashar's chasing it w pickles...i think we all know who the winner is....
Fuck positive energy. I choose drinking instead,
So you used a whole package of smoked meat last night. Didn't eat it, just took it out and put it all over the fridge.
He had a cowboy hat I don't know where from and he was trying to lasso a snowman with a dog leash.
Everytime I know she spent a lot of time on her hair for one of our dates, I intentionally cum on the top of her head. That's how she knows I pay attention.
Holy christ fuck what has my trainwreck of a life come to just blew a 17 year old so help me god
He just grabbed my boob and justified it by saying "I just wanna feel your heart beat"
I would have dumped her already but between the 4 hr bjs and our shared love of enjoying thirsty Thursday naked while watching basketball I'd say its the best shot at love ill ever have
Lol no. She's home safe. You forget she is too pretty to get arrested.
She's started this new thing where whenever she drives by random couples talking alone outside she yells "break up! this is your sign!"
Thanks for your faith in my ability to stay sober while writing final essays. It's...unearned.
Just got caught by my boss looking at porn on the work computer & he decided to utilize this time to look with me. Not sure if this is good or bad.
Is it weird that I was turned on when he told me he had a vasectomy?
I knew you two would hit it off
I just realized this morning that my fridge is stocked with coronas, hot dogs, and cheese dip. And I just got waxed. High-five, your best friend is on track to be all kinds of slutty fun this wkd.
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