Wait til she sees the pic of her vag in court docs.
I feel like I need to get rid of the black eyeliner, glitter, and tequila breath before I to that world poverty conference..
It's like I opened a door and behind it lay mythical creatures sprinklin fairy dust upon the land leading me to a pot of gold. And that gold is some delicious cock.
You need to get over here. I think the drunks are about to sacrifice a chicken to the beer gods. Or a freshman. Stay tuned.
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
I can't find a song to express how gay I'm feeling.
If you want it you better put a ring on it. And by ring I mean one of my three favorite pies.
SEX BINGO!
Canadian or clown?
Well start with a list of things you don't want to do... Like maybe 1) I don't want join Isis. That's a good start.
I'm trying to find some better sex background music so his neighbors don't hate us. This is tedious.
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
I WANNA SUCK HIS DICK ON A BOAT
we're at the bar celebrating my ex bootycall getting his new gf pregnant... and me narrowly escaping a future as kitty foreman
Did i fall last night when u carried me home.
idk
OHHH yea you fell down the stairs face first
Say whatever the fuck you want about me, but leave my deceased cat out of it.
Randomize
