Sex on a trampoline was so worth getting a mosquito bite on my penis
Discovered the coffee filter hasn't been changed in a while. I believe the mold has hypnotic properties. Would try it again, but coffee vomit is not pleasant.
Some guy just bought a handle of cuervo, a curling iron, and a power drill. Paid with a jar of change. I'm torn between avoiding him and befriending him..
I always have trouble explaining my life decisions to people over the age of 30.
You were in your third change of clothes, and I found you in my driveway passed out with my dog's food bowl. You win.
Haha jealous. If I could remember my dreams I'm pretty sure they would constantly be about being drunk in foreign countries
i love when the champions come out to play im bringin the shock collar this weekend
Besides the fact that the only male who has shown an interest in me in the last 5 months has a strange and unfortunate resemblance to fucking Frodo, I've been good thanks
Whenever I'm hungover I try to stay in public as much as possible, hoping to be a cautionary tale to children. It's a public service, really.
Well you busted in the house and yelled with pride about Uber giving you a ride over with your new bong.
For new year's, we should just keep our resolution simple and keep accomplishing burpees in heels.... while drunk.
I need a hobby that isn't dick related
Do you know how awkward it is to get a dick pic while working at babies r us?
The last thing I remember before blacking out was passing that sobriety test.
Do you think in an oreo forest they would have rivers of milk?
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