Yea, forget your mom. She will be home after her one night stand.
I always have to poop after I paint my nails. It never fails.
I'm sorry for throwing the cheese everywhere, but it wasn't my fault. No one was enforcing disipline so not really my fault for not behaving
Just sneezed out a half gram of coke into a tissue. Four hours after the fact. The bender continues.
You were pouring Patron into the window of the squad car trying to get the police dog to drink it
So thats why that cop beat my ass?
Probably
I won the booty shaking contest by mooning the whole bar
He's an acquired taste, like S&M or those crunchy things they put in salads
Croutons?
So this is completely apropos of nothing, but I have a feeling that a friend of mine might be a good match for you. Can I set you two up on a date? Oh, and it seems that we live a block away from each other and aren't having sexy times. This is ridiculous. By the way, there's a chance that I might be a tad drunk. Still though, there's a very *good* chance that you and Mr. X would get along.
The porch is breathing.
STAY OUT OF MY SHROOMS YOU CUNT
He said did you just interrupt me midsentence to admire another man's penis?
I woke up on some strangers couch covered in salad mix and oatmeal cream pies. The struggle is absolutely real.
HE MIGHT HAVE YOUR BUTTHOLE, BUT HE CANT HAVE YOUR HEART. THATS MINE.
Stoned. Scared. Bring pool noodle and onion rings.
Man I gotta stop stashing shit when I'm high. I just spent 2 hours searching for my bag of pot and eventually found it in fucking a bandaid box.
Well the good news of being walked in on, my mom says your tits are pretty. Then she added that hers were like that once. Fml
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