I came back to the apartment and he was waiting for me, covered in mustard.
needless to say I left
but what if he tries to talk dirty to me with the lisp?
No joke. Last we saw of him he was naked and dragging that stupid goat into the bushes.
I am more sore today than I was after my car wreck. Take it as a compliment that you bang harder than a semi-truck.
They better compete for your attention. Dual to the fuck
hes either a crazy bad problem or a crazy good orgasm. I just can't decide which one.
Hickies on top of my hickies. I need a leash and/or a positive female role model
i swear, you were born with a blunt in one hand and somebody else's wallet in the other.
You were pouring Patron into the window of the squad car trying to get the police dog to drink it
So thats why that cop beat my ass?
Probably
Yes I did. Thanks. I was actually an hour and half early. I'm better at public transport than I thought. Guy behind me on the bus is also crying. We compared cry-snot. It was nice in a weird sad way.
I STILL HAVE A HARD TIME DECIDING WHAT TO WEAR IN THE MORNING HOW WOULD IT BE POSSIBLE FOR ME TO PICK A PAIR OF PANTS AND GO OH ILL JUST WEAR THESE FOR THE REST OF MY LIFE
One day I'm gonna have to send my roommate a "sorry I got high and forgot you were in the room and masturbated next to you" fruit basket
And then I realized my chick friends consist only of sober you, drunk you and hungover you
I keep finding granola in my bed. This is what I get for sleeping with a guy from Oregon.
Would you be opposed to me keeping a live lobster in the shower for a bit?
Randomize
