Denmark girl wants me to go out but i remembered shes a raging whore with extremely questionable morals. Not feelin that tonight
you were watching a documentary about sharks and wouldn't stop stroking my legs and whispering "what if they could walk?"
doing a bong hit while wearing crest white strips...not such a great idea...
I feel as though I could trust her, I mean she did tell me she was married before we had sex.
btw when he was trying to sleep i was apparently poking him in the face w my 'flipper' slurring random manatee facts
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
Every grown women needs to pee herself once in her life. It builds character.
You said "bag of dicks" before passing out and falling off the landing
Oh god... Please tell me Sarah didn't see me like this
...you may have kinda punched her in the tit on the way down...
I JUST LIKE FLANNEL, NOT VAGINAS! OK?
I have jury duty tomorrow
I almost deep fried my finger today and yet I think you are worse off than I am.
How do I put this... You're dating Ricky from Trailer Park Boys. Stop eye-fucking him and actually listen to what he says for once. He actually said "I self-learned that myself, basically" while rolling a joint. He's worse than your unskilled magician ex that accidentally cut off three of his own fingers
I've decided if you aren't here in fifteen minutes I'm leaving you for Mario the 75 year old Colombian bartender.
Like seriously how stupid drunk do you have to get befor you start finding dolphin lighters and shit in your undergarments
Sunburned by dick at the nude beach. Bad. She tried to blow me. But. I. Just. Can't. Saddest day of my life.
I just shaved my legs via the sink as to not wake my parents up because I know I'll be having marathon sex tomorrow after my certification exam... so this is life after college.
Randomize