im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
when your english prof writes "this was a real good paper" on your essay, you know you're at the wrong college
i wanted to tell my neighbors to shut up it was 4am, but listening to her rag on him for his minute man routine was actually entertaining
I've been here 20 minutes and some creepy old man told me he wanted to know what my insides felt like. I hate gay bars.
I cant believe Lindsay Lohan feels like this every day
So howd u manage to get high at a one year olds birthday anyway?
The cops showed up and one of them got pushed in the pool. When he got out he looked really sad so I got him a towel and hugged him. He arrested all the underage drunkards but me.
I invited you and you fucked me in the face with the penis of disappointment and shit.
the bride at the wedding we just crashed said we can stay only if we strip for her. You need to get down here
At what point do you think my baptist preacher of a father will clue in that my brother "bringing a foreign exchange student" for thanksgiving means "bringing his european boyfriend and they'll probably fuck every night" for thanksgiving?
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
I might go bald with this hair pulling thing every night.
You're now part of the minority of friends who haven't seen my boobs.
Every text my dad sends me is an AA mantra. Might be time to take a look at my life.
dude, you ran into a window then asked ME what the fuck I was doing.
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