my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...
At some point I made a semi-conscious decision that i was okay with sleeping in my own vomit.
All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
just ask for directions from a guy with a penis drawn on his window
I'm eating my dinosaur chicken nuggets in the order they would die in the food chain.
Can't a girl send out a 4 pm booty call anymore
I'm trying not to drink. I may fall down if I move. This is bad. I had everclear before the bar. Oh no. Oh no. Breathe. Breathe. Breathe.
I like to take my ritalin one pill at a time with each pill spaced out a couple minutes so I feel like I'm going super saiyan when they kick in.
He should be castrated
Nah he might accidentally come while they're cutting it off. Wouldn't be fair to the surgeons
The least you could do is send me some gibberish so I know you're alive.
Fuhga
Thank you.
I'm glad I can share my workout progress with you via my nudes
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
So I was laying on the couch reading a book and he texted me. All I saw was the image of him spitting on my vagina last night in the moonlight. I gagged.
It started off with wine and ended up with me in only my pearls and heels. It was about the classiest sexual experience I've ever had.
Kay so its 9 am whose dumbass is gunna act sober to buy pizza rolls
Dude you promised
Randomize
