Vomit. Vomit. Whatever. You wear a tiara in public.
My aunt just said- "pizza is like sex. Even if it ain't good it ain't bad." Obviously she doesn't know us too well.
Katie Perry lied, you can't just wake up and shake the glitter off your clothes.
So you know how craigslist used to have an "erotica" section? And how after you click on a link it changes a darker color? And how Dad stays up really late most nights?
Oh god... well at least he's gettin some. Mom's a prude.
I don't even know how sober sex starts anymore
Dude, a dry wedding reception should nullify the vows, because really, without the booze, you might as well be 5 years old again and playing dress-up
I seriously just washed my dick in a public restroom. That's how dirty last night got
And by that I mean I told her the plot of the first batman movie as my life and it took her like 20 minutes to figure it out
I can't wait to find out the true size of his penis! Please maintain enough sobriety for an accurate report.
I thought of you while cleaning the forehead prints off my glass doors.
My nipple ring got caught on the rug again. Tequila makes me unlearn these things
I feel like I've wasted too many painkillers on hangovers
Well, if it gives you any indication, when I got there, there was already some dude passed out naked in the treehouse.
as much bud light as i have consumed over the years budweiser should give me a clydesdale
We have an albino peacock in our apartment. It's beautiful.
Scratch it being beautiful, bitch just stole my McDonalds. Call animal control.
Randomize
