ugh. people who use coupons make me wanna punch a baby.
I don't think its a good idea if I moon a whole bar again
I was sleeping on the bathroom floor and thought a wet towel might keep me warm.
please don't go to jail. I'd hate to have to call the montgomery county jail every time I need sex advice
You act like this is the first time I literally thought I was invisible.
Everything was good until you pulled the bartenders hair because she cut you off
Your list of "good ideas" thumbtacked to the lampshade last night consisted of nothing but "tampon-pen" with a note indicating that girls could then always have something to write with, even naked.
My ex just sent me a message asking if she could blow me, but only if we get caught by her new bf. If she promises to swallow I'm doing it.
I just made the answer to all my security questions "fuck you" with various levels of ! marks. I may regret this in the morning.
Full contact beer pong was definitely not my best idea.
I didn't pop out of a cake in a speedo with diagrams
In case that's what u were picturing
I'm just more comfortable with the bondage
You're still my best friend even though you continue to pass out on random toilets every time you drink
I CAN SEE SO MANY PENISES. There are so many visible penises here.
Where are you???
Yoga class :(
How in the fuck did you get LIVE MOTHER FUCKING BATS!?!?! Into my ROOM last night????
Randomize
