I woke with a ring of glitter around my dick.... I kinda don't want to wash it off
i wish that i had sketchier friends so that it would be easier to get drugs
This chick just checked into her walk of shame on Foursquare... I think I'm in love.
she told me her two favorite things were grocery stores and dick.
how the hell did u puke all over the magazines... do u still want me to keep them
Please don't ever try giving my cat a hair cut ever ever again
when i'm drunk i think im just gonna point at him and yell adultery is a sinnnn. youre going to helllll
the girl walking home behind me started yelling and pointing "i want an ass like hers!" i feel vaguely accomplished.
do you remember yelling at the waitress that you were a power bottom?
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
omg he is no good in bed, bless his little heart and his big dick
Last night you told me you "were too high" and didn't deserve a hashbrown.
You had sex with a Scottish dude with a peg leg....how could I NOT tell that story??
i was making a gravity bong in my room and my dad walked in. he helped me finish. i love being home for the holidays.
She is crazy bro, she'll kiss me after eating her ass but looses her fucking mind if I double dip a french fry in "our" ketchup!
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