she made me cover her fishbowl with my shirt because she "didn't want to corrupt it."
At dinner I grabbed his hand and he screamed "mom she just grabbed my penis" the proceeded to shove my hand down his pants! Hello Mr.Dick!
I don't see why you're so upset, it's not like you were wearing pants either.
That's why there are breakfast margaritas.
I really need to get laid. I'm telling at least 10 girls that I love them tonight.
Odds are at least 1 out of those 10 girls will be as crazy as you and will be into it.
I have glow sticks stuck to my boobs and a missed call from the 911. I'd say last night was a success.
what's the appropriate greeting for someone whose bed you've had sex with someone else in?
Waking up to find your mom holding your birth control pills and telling you I suggest you take this
I appreciate you letting me know that the bird died but why didn't you do something about the corpse? or at least give me a heads up that it was still in the cage..Jesus
you have no idea how hungover I am. I can't deal with death right now.
Called Apple, my penis pics are safe.
CODE RED CODE RED MY VIBRATOR IS BROKEN THIS IS NOT A DRILL
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
Hey buddy, turns out those were the PB&shroomwiches, soooo you may want to reconsider dinner with your girlfriends family tonight...
we found her. shes in the bathtub full of raw pasta. i dont even know...
Please tell me why we have been neighbors since elementary school and waited until the night before I moved to fuck.
Randomize
