i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
Next time when I try to seductively eat onion rings while drunk remind me of tonight.
If turning my entire backyard into a slip-n-slide is wrong then I don't wanna be right
Wondering when "babysitting" formed into "sleeping on the couch for five hours nursing a hangover and giving the kids Nyquil."
All I remember is lecturing my dog about how she's a lucky bitch to have a structured eating and shitting schedule.
I was the king of the handle race. My team finished it in 56 minutes.
you don't get it. Nobody wins a handle race. there just degrees of losing.
I'll just be here. Naked. Eating tots and jello like a muh fuggin G
I'm going to avoid eye contact because my old high school English teacher is not who I feel like seeing after I just had a dick in my mouth
I have a tab of a google image search of onion rings open and it is making me so happy.
Would you still love me and fuck me doggie style if I had a dinosaur tramp stamp?
I just saw a kid on iowa campus story that looked like the guy i made out with on spring break.
Clothing is a burden necessitated by propriety.
Well, I have no idea where my underwear is, so yea I would say it was a good weekend.
You know when you're a kid and you play at the pool until you passed out? It was like that except instead of playing it was sex.
Randomize
