I just heard a woman call her child a butt face. Repeatedly. He's crying now. I love walmart.
my sombrero is too big for the bathroom
he turned the pretty ricky playlist on. its about to go down.
And then I interrupted the father of the groom, to ask if she was "ballet or pole" in the middle of his story about his niece, the dancer.
Sober December ended when I found beer behind my bed...I lost $2000 but spent 6 hours sober. Meet me at the bar?
im trying to find a facebook picture of him that doesnt make me regret sleeping with him. its not working
he came in the shower with me...i thought it was going to be nice and romantic...until he started peeing on my leg.
Just received a visit from the Ghost of Bad Decisions Past. Kind of weird 90% of the flashbacks happened in the same sixteen month span, the rest happened at Taco Bell.
My vag has a bald spot. That is so middle aged. Is this my midlife crisis?
I'm confused as to why I have a picture of your boobs in response to a photo of my father
I'm so high. Midnight pancake breakfast in bed
You were ¾ of the way through the first pitcher of margaritas then you turned to me and said "Wow I can barely taste the vodka!" And then…….
...Then...
Then I told you margaritas are made with tequila not vodka. You whipped the pitcher at the wall and ordered another one
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
If you can't accept me drawing a Santa hat on your penis then we can't be friends
I'm eating ice cream out of my purse
Randomize
