dude, you're never picky with who you hook up with, have a little dignity
nah man, chicks are like pokemon, gotta catch \'em all
Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
Yeah. I hotboxed a windbreaker.
I hope my margaritas pass through security.
Dude, I found another chunk missing out of my tooth. Fuck drinking on tuesdays.
Your tequila is gone. I suggest you bring more home before you go out for dinner. Money is taped to mailbox.
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
Had to belly crawl across the floor to the toilet with my eyes closed to puke my life out without making my hangover worse. Three times.
This is amazing. I can pinpoint the window in time that you lost all sanity.
I woke up in a sink... Not like curled up on top of it though. I was standing, bent over, face first. IN THE DAMN SINK.
Want to go home, so casually slip my underwear in his pocket. Never seen him grin so big and say goodbye to his friends.
Serio, who the fuck falls down coming offstage wearing nothing but pasties, a g-string, and a fake moustache, and now suddenly needs a tetanus shot. Me. That's who.
The moment when you go to plug in someone else's phone in your car and your lube is in the way. Don't mind that it's just my center console car lube. Normal.
This is a weird combination of planning and sexting but whatever
You walked in with a bag of weed and asked for a watermelon. For some reason they actually gave you one, and you made it into a perfectly working bong. Two of them offered their girlfriends to you for the night.
Randomize