Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
There is a newly found video on my phone of me following you to the bathroom to watch you throw up. sorry I didn't hold your hair
That girl that gave me a blowjob, I think I fired her last year.
Had a drag queen carry me to the car. So I'm told...
You act like pregaming preseason hockey is a crime. Come on man, get fucked up and watch pucks. It rhymes so well it has to go together. DOS EQUIS Y DEVILS!
We would be rich. And the whole world would be stoned.
I just want you to know when I bang him in the back of my car later I'll have pony by ginuwine on repeat
Your pictures have evolved a lot over the years but I think your angry dick pic phase was one of my favorites
Yeah you're weird. You once told me you would by me a house in the middle of sex. Like as you were thrusting.
I just want him to make us coffee. And whack off into the sunset
Even if they did assume we were doing kinky shit, it's not like they're gonna be like, "HALT SATAN! INTAKE SOME JESUS AND VOMIT YOUR SINS!"
Are you telling me right now that the weed man sexted you?
THE WEED MAN SEXTED ME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
So it turns out high me is very efficient. I set 5 alarms to remind me to do things, i made mac and cheese, and i wrote a poem. I'm going places.
Being single again makes you realize how guys can go from licking your asshole one night to never texting you again
whole 5th of capt = waking up in the shower after 2 hours and the whole house asking why i'm STILL in a towel. and me having nothing to say
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