but instead of smelling like hand cream and homemade cookies, she smells like a yeast infection.
Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
just took my exes job. there should be an award for how many times I've managed to fuck that girl's life
Can you pick me up a bottle of make-an-ass-of-myself tonight?
Do you want cuervo gold or silver?
at the end of the day, college isnt gonna be for everyone... and some of us are just going to have to learn how to breathe underwater while sucking cock.
sometimes u just have to say fuck it and help a straight sixteen year old break into her uncles gay bar.
Is it rude if I don't go?
No. It is not rude if you don't go to her cat's Star Wars themed birthday party.
I'm home alone for the next hour and a half, I expect soup and and a willing attitude to do drugs from one of or both of you girls.....annnnnd go
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
10/10 would definitely still fuck you dressed as squirrel
I'm still depressed that I forgot my ice cream at your place
We figured you were on something when you said that your nipples couldn't hear the music.
The fabulous human disaster: it is him
This is the Front Desk Lady from the Saturolite Inn. Your friend is passed out in the lobby. Please come help her.
He weighed maybe 130, his dick had to be 30 of it. SO BIIIIG.
Randomize
