im never drinking mad dog again and i have your belt.
good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
How am I supposed to spread my seed with you "modern women" and your birth control?
so how much must it suck for him to know that the penis of his best man has been in his wife's mouth before?
I woke up at 1pm, looked in the mirror and fist pumped...I might still be drunk
Fucking Canada. At least when they wake up tomorrow they're still in Canada
I was just on craigslist and saw and ad for a naked yoga instructor. I will no longer be jobless.
He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...
He's the fucking cop whisperer.
I am both excited and frightened by the fact that this much everclear is legal here. Best vacation ever.
Who knows? Maybe we can sing afternoon delight into each other's genitals.
Bone him for me, BONE HIM TWICE FOR ME.
Do you remember trying to make pizzas with the domino workers last night...while trying to speak their language with them.. spanish?
Fucking shoot me with this y'all shit. You were in Texas for 2months you do not have an accent Madonna
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
She thinks I cheated on her 10 years ago in a past life lmao
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