i just saw a foot job.
porn is incredible...
I just threw up on my dentist
I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
Just witnessed a walk of shame by a guy in a half gorilla suit. It's going to be a good day.
At the bar dressed as a taco. not a typo. Come down.
Not cool at all. Last night I organized my condoms by expiration date. I need to get laid.
There's a Russian guy here. In the bar. Drinking vodka. Wearing a trench coat and a hat and a mustache. Idk where the confusion is.
I'm pretty sure at any given moment you could wring out my liver and get a couple of shots of jäger.
I WILL NOURISH YOU WITH SOUP AND PENIS!!!!!! And a sandwich of your choosing.......you like turkey?
Must say, as a couple, she and I are thrilled that our pretend lesbianism has paid off.
Building a door into the garage so when I bring girls home my mom doesn't wake up.
Pathetic yet considerate
I can't believe you're forcing me to handle this hangover sober
too bad burritos don't cuddle back
Today we memorialize my orgasms. Taken from me over six months ago, gone too soon. Here's to hoping we'll see one again
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