so i woke up with ketchup and a sticky boob on my face...this is a new low
it was worse than that time i tried giving evan head 4 days post nose job.
Im in Brooklyn, he wasnt 23 or a musician pick me up
i hooked up with a boy reading dear john, i have to get points for that somewhere
no he gets major points for having a girl hookup with him after reading dear john
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
They told me you were taking cheese cube shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce... Is this true?
i cant answer while inside this church craft show. so unless you're outside with my engagement ring and a nonfat gingerbread latte, it'll have to wait.
Is everyone touching their nose at me a sign that I should stop snorting vicodin off my phone in the bathroom at school?
Well when I got home you were sitting at the table eating cold, leftover taco meat. I'd say you were pretty far gone by that time.
Nope we are at the ER my brothers crazyass neighbor kinda stabbed him in the neck. He's gonna be fine.
People who don't like drugs and guac are not people I chose to associate with
Mike's my new hero. There's a flagpole of hook-up's bras on his porch and a week's supply of beer in his fridge but he still has a great job.
I'm the girl holding the bag of goldfish
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
I'm going to need you to stop harassing my professor on Twitter when you're drunk.
Randomize
