I think scott just propositioned me for sex
Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
You know its bad when you're praying for a hangover just so you aren't still drunk at work anymore.
Don't worry, there is no such thing as a fat, old or ugly blow job.
I don't care if he acts like a don't exist 6 days a week. On the 7th day he makes makes my vagina cry. In a good way. Jesus understands.
Judging that there's a photo of me getting head while sitting on a graveyard tombstone.....not good.
Just found out they make medicinal lollipops, bought like 40 of them. Gonna go fill a pediatricians lollipop bowl.
So how much of last night are we going to pretend never happened? Enough to stay friends?
I respect the size of her balls.
Yeah but I don't respect the size of her anything else.
I can't wet the bed. That was the old me. I'm grown
Oh my god
At the start of the night I was all 'come at me universe' and three hours later I was ordering an extra large pizza in bed in the dress I had gone out in. Well played universe.
Lift me 50ft in the air like a tow truck but with your penis
How high are you exactly
Just woke up from an extremely erotic dream featuring Steve Buscemi. Now I can't sleep.
tbh I think I just dated him for his dogs in the first place.
Is she still on a quest to lick every stranger that enters the bar, or have the restraining orders reached critical mass?
Randomize
