smell like capt'n and strawberry champagne
I'm having one of those days where I just want to lay in bed and beat off all day
All his texts have the signature of a date with a smile. I asked him what it means. IT'S THE DAY HE QUIT DOING DRUGS
Where'd you guys get the alcohol from?
Oh. Some homeless guy we picked up from I-70. He bought us $400 worth of alcohol in exchange for a shower.
...... wtf.
I have more bruises, scratches, and overall soreness from my birthday weekend than my car accident.
Don't freak out about the couches in the driveway. We tried to unpack the uhaul drunk.
Aaaand my life has been reduced to whether I can reach to flush my puke down the toilet using my foot. The answer is yes.
He sprained his penis one time
He was "naked wrestling" and fell off the couch and landed on his erect penis
Can I steal her, take her home, and feed her only vodka?
The guy I blew last night was pierced in multiple places. I had to use extra caution to avoid my temporary filling.
I am going to paint butt plugs like little Christmas trees and give them as gifts.
You could paint cock rings as wreaths.
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
Can I pee and smoke my bong at the same time or is that like eating on the toilet
Okay, since we're going to be living together and I'm obviously better than you at everything, I have one single simple rule that I want you to follow: DO. NOT. FUCK WITH ME.
I think even the taco bell employees judged me
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