omg i finished an entire carton of double double chunk chunk ice cream last night...
what? what exactly is in double double chunk chunk?
self-loathing.
It's official. Every guy I've slept with has been to jail.
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
i don't even want to say how many boners i've caused this week
i said she could sleep in my bed and she goes "iiiiiiii warned you. iiiiim a cuddlerrrrrr!" slightly regretting this..
Do you remember unrolling paper towels as a blanket?
I've been practicing for you. Including stockpiling medical supplies for curing hangovers.
i wish you were under my bed. you sexy russian fur trapper.
please. text the right number. youve been sending me these all night.
The face that yo gabba gabba comes up when I'm stoned and searching for yoga workouts is scary or dangerous
When you get to his house tomorrow, follow your instincts. Find the cat first.
N.C. cops just used a megaphone to tell me I have a slutty outfit. My life is complete.
My parents don't seem to understand that all I want to do over break is smoke in bed and watch Workaholics.
Last night I watered my lawn and smoked a joint then cooked a steak. I'm really killing this adulthood thing.
I get stoned and write a 15 page history report in two hours. She gets stoned and cries because she "doesn't know which shade of pink is the real one".
Sorry this is taking so long. I'm looking for my dignity.
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