I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
After Sake bombs he tried to puke into an alluminum beer bottle and shot vomit streaks in a perfect V out the sides of his mouth and hit BOTH girls he had bought drinks for that night. He was like an Icon of Cock-blocking yourself.
Dude you should see the looks were getting for ordering a pitcher of beer with breakfast.
I'm buying eyelash glue, salt, and limes. We know how tonight is ending.
I didn't take her seriously until she snorted that ramen noodle flavor packet...
And there I was, sitting Indian style on the kitchen floor, my fingers covered in peanut butter.
I'm still seeing blue. who wrote on my bare nipple?
If you come home soon there's a stripper in the shower. Don't be alarmed
You're an asshole. I don't want your dick as my background. I'll look like I have a thumb fetish.
Intramural soccer game tonight. Be ready for blood. I haven't sobered up since thursday
Can you work for me at 4? We might have just taken some drugs we found in the couch and... end of story
Really? A fat girl?
I'm walking her back. Chill out.
She is a nice girl okay. For some reason we are in my room though.
I feel violated by Miley Cirrus's performance in the VMA's.
I wouldn't say I LOVE Pacman. I mean, sure, I'd battle against you in an epic Pacman struggle for blow jobs and glory. But I mean, who wouldn't?
well my grandpa saw your dick pic, so why don't you tell me how my day is going
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