got them to do a wheelbarrow of shame down the sidewalk after the threesome. I rule
Ate lunch. Still drunk. Keep forgetting I'm in Texas but then I look around at the people and remember.
Apple Jack is not a good idea for breakfast. Whiskey can't replace milk.
you should break up with her....give her the gift of reality
Dude your neighbors are having a garage sale. They were judging me as I walk of shamed back to my car.
If she doesn't judge me for bringing my vibrator in the tanning bed, I know she is a true friend.
Kid sitting next to me smells like he slept in a dutch oven full of farts. Going to die.
hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking if you had a pulse
He never gives up. He's like the fucking little engine that could of hook ups
Did copperhead road at the bar. All the girl next to me did was stare at my glorious bouncing tits. CAN I FUCKING HELP YOU?? I worked hard for these tits.
1. My arms are cement 2. I wish dogs could answer the phone
Uhh dog found a condom. FYI its on the table by couch please dispose of it. No reply Necessary
I wrote "fuck you meg" on my toaster strudel with the icing. I call it "passive aggressive breakfast"
Because you put the dick in ridiculously amazing boyfriend. And you deserve to have nice things happen to your penis. That's why.
I'm totally picking out my shrooming outfit and blankets right now
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