if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
shhh. i hid the ranch dip behind the rooster. don't tell anyone that way you can find it in the morning and it won't be all eaten.
wrong number but thanks
i just used burnetts to get spraypaint off the floor of my dorm lobby
i wish there was a 'silent except for booty calls' volume level on my phone
i wanna give whoever invented massage chairs a blow job.
I hope my liver is having as much fun as I am
i can't decided whether the fact that her nipples are bigger then her palms is a problem or not
So im on with some ukrainian stripper for a vodka tasting tomorrow. If I die tell my family im awesome
Well there's nothing more unattractive them a naked, soft man crying
Oh good your over him
I have a weapon and I'm not blacked out. Good as gold
You have ruined sex with him for me. Now all I think is "boy scout" and I want to go home
Side note: the physics of a guy my size and age getting laid in the backseat of a Toyota Camry are absolutely staggering
He told me if he passed out to wake him by sitting on his face, and if he suffocated at least he would die happy. Found the one.
i just hope we're both dead or in prison at the same time
I would cock slap so many things if I had a cock.
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