listening to techno makes your hand move faster while masterbating
i was like. eff you dude i'm 100% american. i went to a high school prom and i like springstein songs and i take rides in chevrolets.
So how gross is it that Woopie Goldberg has a vagina? She's like the exact opposite of a boner....
what happened last night?
u kept telling him to fuck u optimus prime style
that explains why his roommate kept saying autobots roll out this morning as i left
I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
you kept running around the room with a flask shouting "so much room for activities!" then someone tripped you and you passed out
I woke up to my dog trying to clean my vagina.
You layed on my kitchen floor with a pile of m&ms at your crotch, said "your lightbulb don't match, is that one new?"
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
Reading my bank statement stoned makes me feel like an adult.
Tequila me may have very bluntly told him that I wanted to touch his abs.
Ran into my neighbor that's always crying. I wonder if she's like; "I ran into my neighbor who's always playing with her vibrator?"
Drinking and pointing where stuff needs to go is hard stuff.
She dressed up in a sexy maid outfit for me, but she got mad when I asked her to actually do some cleaning.
So you're at your daughter's volleyball game looking at dicks online? That's amazing.
No, I was picking her up from volleyball and sitting in my car looking at dicks.
Randomize