If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
Best moment of my life. I just got a text from some random number that said i can't wait to touch you. Her name is kiara and she had the wrong number.
2 showers later and I'm still finding cum on random body parts of mine
She just took off her shirt and jumped in the kiddie pool. We're not leaving.
I will also be strapping forties to the puppies.
Just found out my ex boss was running a whore house in the bar. Time to remove her as a reference?
Hey, umm this is awkward but I want to apologize in case you find gum in your pubes. Not sure if I swallowed it or spit it out. It's all a blur.
Its not even real halloween yet. This extremely toxic yet briliant costume is going to kill me
Sorry about all of the penis things that happened last night.
we dropped acid in chinatown. worst. idea. ever. too many colors. and nobody has any idea where steve is.
i'm pretty sure you can't sue someone for "Taking a shit on my kitchen floor."
I woke up and my pants were in the kitchen but my shoes were next to my bed. Do the math...
dude, i told you to rally, so you sprinted upstairs, knocked some girl down, and without missing a beat said, "not now bitch, im in the fucking zone" and took off
Dude, some chick came over here earlier and thought my lube was hand sanitizer. She poured it all over her hands.
Just fyi i'm now butt naked in a steam room smoking a bong in some guys house. i sense the weed penetrating my pores.
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