Don't look now but I am in class with a mixed drink
Don't look now but my prof just asked me if I was drinking a screwdriver
Well for one thing, she was eating rice with a shot glass.
I may have a concussion but the symptoms are the same as a hangover so I can't tell. Best 21st ever.
oh man. maybe i should puke on his dick? just to test how much he loves me?
Well, I'm at the grocery store wondering whether I exist or not.
Just made a PowerPoint called "Reasons Why You Should Fuck Me" at his request. The sad thing is we've had sex before...
While I was sneeking out of her apartment, there was a giant cage with a parrot in it. I half expected it to squak "hit and run...hit and run."
Future roommate keeps sending me pictures of cool shit she has for our dorm and I'm just like "... I have a set of Aggie wine glasses a great set of tits."
It's probably not healthy how legit bummed I am that my bottled of wine is gone.
The problem with drugs is that there's none in this hotel
The problem with drugs is that showing my boobs only gets so much of them
WHY WOULD YOU SWIPE RIGHT???!!!!!
The same reason I ordered and ate almost an entire pizza last night
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
Since when is my clitoris pierced?
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
The guy I slept with in AZ just called and is moving here next week.
Randomize
