First lesson of the year: don't close the bar on mondays
Dude before you bang that chick preheat the oven to 425 I wanna make a pizza for afties
We need you. We already made it on global news and are drunk at the election party.
Lives are in shambles. Livers are in disrepair. Our friend was missing for 2 days. His brother slept in a porta potty. God damn you college world series
At this point the smell of shame has become my natural musk
I got so drunk last night that I drunk texted myself. "hand jobs are the currency of the future"
I don't see how you can turn down creme brulee and orgasms
I didn't realize how trashy of a night we had.
Welllll, you did eat a cherry out of my pussy. So I think that classes it up a little.
I fucking hate tequila. Tequila makes me hate pants.
So I just bought e from my sophomore home ec teacher. How's your weekend going?
I feel very compelled to cut off the person's ears that is sitting in front of me
I don't know which I need first...a shower or a confessional.
I'm at a first year old's birthday party and a midget dressed as a cop just showed up. Word is we're going to toss and bowl with him. Updates to come.
He obv doesn't know that telling a woman to chill will get him murdered
he took my bra off with his teeth, THEN decided he just wanted to make out and cuddle. i don't know what the female version of blue balls is, but i've been living with it since 1 a.m.
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