she left her pants. im pretty sure she grabbed mine on accident. im like 9 man sizes bigger than her. wtf
i just stepped in cum. i hate you.
Thats what happens when you don't swallow.
I saw you try to drink out of a soda machine at taco bell, don't worry about judging
YOU GOT KICKED OUT OF FIVE GUYS LAST NIGHT FOR THROWING PEANUTS AT THE PEOPLE WHO WORK THERE?!
correction: escorted out
With any luck I will spend the duration of this flight with my tray table up my seatbelt securely fastened and my face in his lap
I have no idea where I am, where my pants are, there is cheese stuck to my ass.. Why do I have your phone?
shot for shot with some guy twice your age to prove Detroit hustles harder then you left with him. We're tracking you
Who wouldn't want a man who can knock a guy out but also loves the bachelor.
It's the best of both worlds
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
So I just bought e from my sophomore home ec teacher. How's your weekend going?
My neck is PURPLE. This is NOT a good day to be indoctrinated by the cardinal...
You FaceTimed your mom in the back of the limo telling her how many guys you hooked up with at the concert
oh my god you are days, if not hours away from a dick pic. This is the day the lord has made rejoice and be glad in it
I told her my hands felt like they touched the sun, never been that stoned before
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
Everything is fine, it's not hung over in here at all\n\n*Narrator* *but in fact everything was not fine*
Randomize
