Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
Hey cutie is the game almost over? I'm making dinner for us it'll be ready soon. Xox
You would rather make fucking dinner than watch a hockey game that rivals the epic-ness of miracle, the one of the biggest upsets in sport history? Babe I don't know if I can date a girl with such terrible priorities.
She's thinkin about havin beer pong at her reception... She's walkin a fine line between trashy and the best idea ever
so,apparently a side effect from having sex on the beach is now i have a tanline shaped like your sister
i hate you
Attempting to teach the cat how to shake. I need a job.
Pregnant only lasts nine months, being hot takes way longer to go away. So yes, I will continue to hit on the hot pregnant girl.
His idea of romance is drunkenly leaving me dead dandelions on my car in the middle of the night
I'm gonna go out on a limb and say it had something to do with pool sex.
Crying in the liquor store is not a good look
Let's be honest, your relationships fail because the man you're looking for is the equivalent of an intellectual blow-up doll.
It's stupid hot. I just want to be laying in a bathtub full of margaritas
is it weird to think that girls born in '96 are now legal?
Doing a walk of shame at Wal-Mart at 3:30am because when I left at 11pm I was getting milk
Dude in the stall next to me shitting and sobbing. Dude another stall over, "Come on bro, you gotta loosen up." This is why I don't shit in public.
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
Randomize
