all i wanna do is slam about 38 beers eat a whole pizza and wake up naked in the taco bell parking lot
His band may suck, but it's not like I'm sleeping with all of them.
Just witnessed a circumcision at clinical. i suddenly feel a sense of reconciliation over every guy who's done me dirty...
Yeah dude, it's amazing. Be careful though, that shit is really really intense. Like it's way more intense than normal shit...
I took two and feel like crushed diamonds spread over glazing marmalade
I walked from the hotel to the club with a pint of tequila in my boot. Poured some in a homeless woman's mouth when she asked for change. I've hit rock bottom.
I would like you to know I am eating your apology chocolate, which means i forgive you for puking everywhere before formal
I have a theory that years from now they will be with women who despise me because of what I trained their husbands to like.
I just put on my phone calendar to remind me of my final child support payment in 2029
I feel horrible. I brought her to your house like a late night pizza delivery and dropped her off.
I walked out in my coconut bra, and that's when it all went downhill.
how do you politely tell someone their toddler looks alarmingly similar to the berries and cream guy
Just got the test results back; apparently I'm red-green colorblind. this explains the past 18 years of my life and i'm wondering why i didn't realize this sooner
My vibrator broke.
Dude it's been less than twelve hours. Did you sleep?
Don't worry about that. I need a new vibrator.
Actually I really wish that I was drinking so I could ask him for breakup sex and then later blame it on my alcoholic tendencies. Maybe tomorrow instead.
I collect Covid conspiracy theories like I collect Pokemon.
Randomize
