Alright folks.. i have made history - I just hit my 2nd PARKED car SOBER withing 6 months.. :*( wtf?!
My goal for the party is to get everyone in a diaper. Reasonable?
And then I chipped his tooth because I got too into it. Helloo, single life.
Dont ask, hes out back rolling around in the yard freaking out. literally just had a 15 minute conversation, only word i could make out was "yellow"
Just break the ice by asking who had to take plan b this past semester
My meds have diminished my sex drive, this must be what regular women feel like
This is the only time in your life where finding a half eaten lime and pair of florescent pink underwear that wasn't yours means that it was a good night
My Bio teacher gave me extra marks for putting "deer with AK-47 seeking retribution" at the top of the food chain on my exam. 51% pass here i come!!
You don't understand. If you watched a video of the shenanigans that occurred in my life over the past 48 hours you would gasp worse than the girl who witnessed me puking in my bag at the children's hospital
Today's goal is to get out of bed, before I take a shit. This might be hard
Pass or fail tho
Do you remember coming over and asking for toast and then singing that yeah toast song very loudly while you were dropping my bread all over my kitchen?
It's only considered alcoholism if you're drinking from something other than a cup....right?
Remember I am not doing blow tonight. I REPEATE NO COCAINE unless I do it with your mom
She’s super into those renaissance faires. But, if you can’t actually stab anyone, what’s the point?
Normally getting fucked up with the owner and suggesting he motorboat me wouldn’t help my chances of a promotion, but this is 2020 and he definitely enjoyed it
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