i just sent this text using only my big toe
Making a drinking game out of jeopardy does not mean you studied..
Just drove through Taco Johns wearing a drug rug and no pants. When I rolled down my window, the girl paused for a minute before saying "um... 4.07"
please hold off on going into labor, i might need you to take me to the free clinic
Thought it only fitting this Jubilee weekend to snort lines with a 50 note
Your patriotism amazes me, the Queen would be proud!
You're married and I'm going to make out with a stranger tonight. Isn't that weird? It's like a gap in the time space continium.
You got called a pussy at a party with a slow cooker, you can't let that shit slide
He's so drunk he thinks he's the ultimate warrior. Told cops he was from parts unknown. Never broke character
found $100 my ex got arrested and I can receive free health insurance I gotta tell ya 2014 is really going to be my year
I just woke up ass naked on top of all my sheets, with no blinds in my room because i used them as togas, my back is killing me, im covered in sharpie, i have no memory of last night, and im pretty sure im still drunk. I consider the night a success
I stopped for beer and woke up to a bird on my shoulder. I really need to stop drinking
New low: uploading my contacts into Facebook in an attempt to get the name of the girl I brought home last night.
Seriously where are the good guys?
The friend zone.
This guy knew what he was doing. Most guys can't find the spot even if it shot off a flare and played a kazoo.
They sent him a photo of me smoking a bong whilst wearing the dinosaur head. I think that's the last we hear of his nonsmoking fitness freak ass 🤷🏼♀️
Randomize
