Kris Allen: Jason Mraz mixed with John Mayer and a splash of orgasmmm
He said he was from Mississippi and my vagina clamped shut like a frightened oyster
FYI: if you have sex in your room with the light on, we can totally see your shadows from the parking lot
Your boyfriend has good rhythm though.
he just sent me a friend request on facebook. i wish it were physically possible to vomit on him through the internet.
I just saw a license plate that said "Guidete" at college. This proves the world is officially ending in 2012
Yep. About to get on pornhub to spill some Christmas cheer
Just KTHXBAIed an old man for staring at me
Im drinking in homer but I guess Egan got arrestest on an "assault by water ballon" charge but tom actually threw the water balloon in question at the bartender.
she said i was like a little lamb and she felt bad for luring me into her den of sin. then she blew me.
Being a virgin isn't supposed to be this easy for you.
It's 3 in the morning and there is a bird chirping it's head off outside. GOD DAMNIT THIS IS NOT A TIME TO SING OF YOUR CHEERFUL BIRD MERRIMENT YOU STUPID BIRD CUNT!
how does someone with a Masters Degree leave poop in an ashtray in the sink? It just blows my mind
When you're high, you dance like an injured velociraptor.
Crying into a glass of wine at 10 am isn't exactly how I planned this day to go
I just saw your brother in some random persons yard climbing a tree. Just saying.
Probably on drugs.
Just had a threesome with my best friend and LSAT teacher...just checked three things off my bucket list in one night
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